Haphazardly Loved
by Ramenism
Summary: Ino was abducted by the freaks that call themselves 'Akatsuki', and she is not very happy about it. But between meeting Tobi and watching stolen movies, she doesn't have much room to complain. Tobino
1. Freaks of the Red Clouds

Haphazardly Loved

Ino was not happy.

After being abducted by some freak with gills and then dropped on her butt in front of some freak who had stupid nose duds, Ino was not a happy camper.

Not by a long shot.

Now, Ino wasn't as fussy about her looks as she was when she was a genin, but her long hair was in a puddle of murky water and she felt disgusting.

…

Oh, what's this?

Another freak with a plant head walked in arguing with himself.

_Great_.

Just _Great._

A freak that was crazy.

"Hey you fu-"

Ino was interrupted by the freak with nose duds.

"What talents do you have?"

Ino glared at him.

Might as well be honest.

"I'm not a good ninja. I can arrange flowers. I can clean and I'm pro at annoying people."

The nose freak said nothing.

Ino closed her eyes. "What, am I not good enough by your standards?"

The nose freak ignored her and said, "We are the Akatsuki."

Ino made a face.

"The Akatsuki? The ones who want Naruto?"

The nose freak nodded.

Ino crossed her arms. "Pshh, that's lame. At least Orochimaru doesn't make an organization to cover up the fact that he likes chasing little boys."

An odd silence ensued.

The Nose freak sighed and said, "You will work for Akatsuki."

"Doing what?"

Ino didn't believe it, arranging flowers and being annoying cleaning were usele-

"Arranging flowers and cleaning."

'…_wow.'_

Ino was about to have a conniption.

Before Ino could perform her fit she was picked up by the blue freak and taken out of the main room.

.x X x.

Ino hadn't let go of the conniption idea.

She had been sitting in her new room for a grand total of 2.5 minutes and she was already getting tired of being pissed.

Suddenly a blonde man burst into her room.

"My name is Deidara, yeah, I-"Deidara stopped.

Ino gaped.

This man looked a lot like her.

"…follow me. Dinner is ready."

Deidara was in some sort of shock.

Ino snorted.

'_Freak.'_

One personality quirk Ino had was that her honesty shown though greatly in awkward situations.

And to her dismay, dinner was awkward.

They sat at a long table with leader at the end.

Ino sat at the other end, fiddling with her napkin.

'_Napkin…must….talk…back.'_

Suddenly, Ino was struck with a thought.

"Deidara…"

Deidara looked at her. In fact, the whole group did.

Unfazed, Ino spoke her mind.

"Do you think you would look like me if you had boobs?"

Deidara's eyes bugged out.

Kisame half choked on his food.

Hidan, who was sitting to her right, grinned.

And then something unexpected happened.

"…I suppose he would." Leader replied.

Deidara was in a tizzy….why were they talking about boobs? On him?

Ino tapped her chin thoughtfully.

The boy to her left, the one with the orange mask, spoke up,

"Ne, Deidara-senpai, would you really consider getting boobs?"

Deidara gave him a dangerous look, "Listen punk, say one more thing and I'll pound you, yeah!

The boy, though Ino couldn't see his face, seemed sad.

"But Tobi is a good boy!"

Ino looked at him.

"…Tobi, eh?"

Tobi nodded.

"I like your name, Tobi."

"Thank you Ino-san, I like yours too!"

Ino smiled and continued to eat.

Deidara spat in his food and cursed Tobi for another minute

After that, nobody talked, but Leader kept looking between the obnoxious female and the masked fool.

_Interesting…_

.x X x.

Ino hummed to herself, making the beds for the members was very interesting.

She got to see a little about the Akatsuki members.

She was making Itachi's bed. He had a very majestic-like red bed spread. A couple of feet away stood Kisame's blue bed. In between the two beds there was a small wooden nightstand.

And on it was a cute little shark alarm clock.

Ino giggled.

A sock lay on Kisame's bed and as she put the sock away in the nightstand's compartment, she found a mini pillow with the Uchiha symbol.

She heard the door open and saw Itachi walk in.

In her surprise she squeezed the pillow and the pillow squeaked out a little, "Uchiha!"

Ino squeezed it again.

"Uchiha!"

Ino rushed to Itachi, placed the pillow in his hand and ran out the room.

She slammed the door shut.

Itachi heard the girl's laughter, and said to himself,

"…Kisame had the same reaction."

.x X x.

After Ino had managed to compose herself, she set out to Tobi and Deidara's room.

You could tell which side was Deidara's was on because there was signed taped on the wall above his bed.

It read:

TOBI, DO NOT COME NEAR MY SIDE OF THE ROOM, YEAH!

Ino sighed and proceeded to make the beds.

Ino yelled in surprise as she stepped on something hard and pokey.

She looked down to see a small clay model.

"…freak."

Ino walked to Tobi's bed a sat down.

Something about him made her happy.

Maybe it was because he was goofy.

Ino thought about it.

Yeah, that would make sense.

Chouji was nice, but more of a sad people-pleaser than a happy people-pleaser.

Shikamaru went kind of weird after Asuma died, and even before that he was troublesome.

Naruto was just on crack,

And Sasuke, in Ino's opinion, was permanently PMSing.

So Tobi was a good break from all that drama.

Of course, she talked to him one time, but who cares!!

After all, Tobi _was _a good boy.

Ino finished making his bed and flounced out of their room, only to run into Tobi himself.

"Ah, sorry Tobi!"

Tobi helped her up, "Oh no, I'm sorry Ino-san!"

Tobi followed Ino to Hidan and Kakuzu's room, apologizing the whole way.

"Ino-san, what can I do to make it up to you?"

Ino, getting tired of his apologizing, said quickly, "I don't know- make me something."

"Make you something….?" Tobi pondered this and wondered off.

Ino was about to open the door when the door opened.

Hidan was standing there, hovering above Ino.

'_He's so tall…'_

Hidan raised an eyebrow, "Yes, little one?"

Ino smiled awkwardly, "I've come to make your beds," Ino made a face, "…and I'm not little!"

Hidan closed his eyes, "My, your stubborn."

Ino put her hands on her hips. "So?"

Hidan blinked.

And then he let her through.

Ino made Kakuzu and Hidan's bed very quickly, but she stopped when she found a necklace with a strange pendant on it.

Hidan, who was leaning against the wall, asked, "What are you doing?"

Ino turned around and showed him the necklace.

"It's my religion's symbol." Hidan said, and he visibly brightened.

Ino looked at him.

Who'd a thunk it?

This S-class criminal was a religious man.

As Ino looked at his smirk and his opened cloak, she couldn't help but wonder what kind of religion it was exactly.

"…awesome."

Something lit up in Hidan's eyes. "You wanna hear about it?"

Ino, noticing the three blade scythe in his hand, chose her words carefully.

"Well…maybe later…I…have to finish cleaning…and then rearrange flowers…"

Hidan made a dismissing hand gesture, "Eh, your loss."

And with that, Hidan walked away.

Ino stared at the place he once stood.

"…freak."

.x X x.

Ino took out her check-list.

Deidara and Tobi, check.

Itachi and Kisame, check.

Hidan and Kakuzu, check.

Now…Zetsu and…nobody.

And then…eh.

That was it.

Easy enough.

.x X x.

Apparently, Ino thought as she sat with an icepack to her face, making Zetsu's bed was not easy.

Whatever plant Zetsu was messing with when Ino walked in, she was severely allergic to, and now her face was completely swollen.

Zetsu had kindly walked her back to her room, since her eyes were swollen shut, and got her some ice.

He was now Zetsu-san and not crazy plant freak.

Ino sat on her bed for a while before Hidan walked in.

"Why are you not at dinner?"

Hidan looked vaguely surprised at her appearance.

"What…happened?"

Ino moved her face down.

Hidan almost cringed. "…I'll have Deidara send you some food…"

Hidan walked out of her room, mumbling to himself, "And some skin care crap…I know that idiot uses it."

Ino would have said thank you, but her lips weren't moving.

.x X x.

Deidara was a little surprised when Hidan commanded him to bring Ino food, and to help her.

Help her with what?

Deidara moodily knocked on the girl's door.

All he heard was a muffled noise.

Confused, he let himself in.

Deidara almost gasped.

The girl's face was swollen.

Not just a little, the whole shebang!

Her eyes were swollen shut and her lips.

Deidara looked at the dinner on his tray.

"There's no way you're going to be able to eat this, yeah."

Ino nodded.

"…I'll go see if I have anything for your face."

.x X x.

Ino was really hungry.

Once she could talk, she was going to tell Zetsu-san, Hidan-san, and Deidara-san 'thank you', over and over and over again.

Ino waited a good ten minutes before Deidara came back with a sinister looking bottle.

"This is cream that has healing chakra mixed in with it. Just put it on for five minutes and you should be back to normal!" Deidara said, smiling.

Ino got up and hugged him.

'_My face! It's saved!'_

Deidara flushed, "Yeah, yeah. Just come back to dinner when you're done."

Ino nodded enthusiastically and into her bathroom.

.x X x.

Ino walked into the dining room quietly.

"…where have you been?" Leader asked, not bothering to look at her.

"I don't have to tell you."

Leader looked at her. "I could kill you in a second."

"…Do you really want to know? Fine, I'll tell you!"

Leader looked at her expectantly.

I'm on my period and I was taking my tampon and I was trying to shove it up my-"

"I get it." The leader interrupted.

Ino grinned.

The rest of the table looked shocked.

Except for Hidan, because he found it funny, and Itachi, because he never showed emotion.

Deidara smacked his head. Leader would have understood if she just told him what happened.

Ino sat down, trying to hold her smugness in when she noticed something was missing. 

"Where is Tobi?"

Deidara grinned, "If you don't say anything, maybe he won't come back!"

"…he said he needed to get something." Zetsu replied calmly.

Itachi looked at her, his face straight, "Why do you care?"

The table hushed.

Ino blushed, "I was just curious!"

Itachi smirked slightly, "…do you have any…feelings for him?"

Kisame looked at the Uchiha in mute surprised. He wasn't normally this forward.

Unexpectedly, Ino smiled viciously at him, "I think his mask is hot, what's it to you?"

Silence.

Itachi activated his Sharingan. "I don't appreciate being talked to like that."

Leader looked at Ino, who still had that odd grin on her face.

"And I don't appreciate being kidnapped by you, but you don't see me crying 'bout it."

Hidan smirked. He rather liked this girl's sass.

Itachi said nothing.

Ino picked at her food.

"…I do have good taste though."

Itachi raised an eyebrow, "What makes you think that?"

Ino scratched her cheek, "Eh, I love your bed spread. It's pretty."

Itachi sighed. Women would never make sense.

Ino giggled nervously.

Leader put down his newspaper.

"Tomorrow we have a mission."

All attention was on him.

"…I've decided that Ino will probably become lonely…so we will be abducting Hyuuga Hinata, Tori Tenten, and Haruno Sakura. They will accompany Ino while working with her."

Deidara was confused, "That's why? There are no other reasons?"

Leader nodded.

Besides the blue haired one, the closets thing that even remotely resembled a woman was Deidara.

And he was not about to say that out loud.

At the other side of the table, Ino was having a mental war.

She wanted them to come (They were her best friends) and then she didn't want them to come (They were her best friends).

Ino rubbed her temple. That made no sense.

She hoped Tobi would come back soon.

She needed a moron that would listen to her.

XXXX

Okay! So that is what I got!!

I hope you like it, I think it's weird.

Pairings will be:

KisameXTenten, cuz I think its hot.

HidanXHinata, cuz I think it's just darling!

And Somehow I will make this SuigetsuxSakura, cuz you know thay love eachother.

…even though they don't know each other…

Anyway, Lotsa love!

The Queen of Ramen,

Ramenism!


	2. Sleep with me, Optimus Prime!

Haphazardly Loved

Sleep with me, Optimus Prime!

Ino sighed. It had been a week already.

Tobi had come back, but he hadn't said a thing to her.

And the Akatsuki were having a meeting…so she was just bored.

And bored.

Did she fail to mention that she was bored?

Ino lit up. She knew what she could do.

When she was a small child she would do this all the time…

XXX

In the main section of the cave, the Itachi said quietly, "Leader…what is the true motive behind kidnapping her friends…?"

Every Akatsuki member stared at the Leader.

XXX

When the Akatsuki members walked into the kitchen for lunch, they were met with a very unexpected sight.

Ino was on the table, her back turned to them, dancing, all while singing,

"Shut up and sleep me, come on why don't you sleep, shut up and sleep with me, come on, uh huh, and sleep with me!"

She jumped around, which revealed the spoon she was singing into.

You are young, you're free, why don't you sleep with me?"

Ino pranced down the table before starting again,

"I love your body, not so much I like your mind. In fact, you're boring; you keep on talking bout some girl that I don't know…"

Ino opened her eyes and almost dropped the spoon in shock.

"…when will you shut up and when will we go…" She finished lamely.

The men stared at her.

She stared back.

Leader cleared his thought, "Now, Ino-san, I don't mind you singing…but must you do it with so much gusto?"

Ino straightened out her skirt self-consciously, "I suppose not…sorry."

And awkward pause.

Ino smiled forcefully, "Well…I'm busy, I have to go fold your…your underwear!"

With that, the blonde ninja sprinted to the other side of the table, jumped off it, about slammed into the door, and jambered her way out the room.

Silence.

Leader finally spoke up, "Well…considering Ino-san is our best cook, and I don't want to get food poisoning from any of you nimrods…Kisame-san, would you mind making some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for us?"

Kisame nodded, "I'll start straight away."

.x X x.

When Ino finally stumbled her way into the monstrous laundry room, she pounded her head into the wall.

"What the hell were you thinking, Yamanaka? Underwear? God, they're gonna think you're a perv now…"

Ino only talked to herself like that in drastic situations.

Ino composed herself and emptied the massive dyer.

Incidentally, she did end up folding underwear.

She had determined whose underwear was whose.

Kisame's pile consisted of an assortment of fishy themed boxers (her favorite being the Gold fish crackers).

Itachi's pile consisting of black silk briefs (Ino had to admit, the guy knew what he wanted).

Hidan's pile consisted of plain white boxers with words printed on the butt (She wondered how he came across a pair with the words "religious man" on the butt).

Ino picked up a pair with bluebirds on it and had absolutely no idea who they belonged to.

"Who owns these…?"

"Tobi thinks Deidara-senpai wears those!"

Ino jumped and turned around, "Tobi?"

Tobi nodded enthusiastically from the doorway, skipped towards her, and flopped down next to Ino.

"Tobi likes his underwear the best…"

He dug through the pile of clothes and pulled out a pair of orange boxers with a giant black swirl on the back. He gave it to Ino.

Ino blushed madly, "I think they're adorable."

As she studied his boxers, Tobi dug through the pile and pulled something out.

"Tobi likes yours too…but Tobi wonders how you take these off…"

Ino turned towards Tobi to see him holding her deep blue thong.

And her mind went through every way that sentence could be implied as.

She blushed a deep crimson and snatched them away, "Tobi, it is indecent to touch a lady's under garments!"

Tobi deflated, "Tobi is very sorry…Tobi tries to be a good boy, Honest!"

Ino smiled softly, "It's okay Tobi…I know you're a good boy."

Tobi visibly lit up, "Oh! Tobi has something to give you!"

He rummaged around in his pockets and pulled out a ring.

As he handed the ring to Ino, he said excitedly, "I went to town and asked the jeweler to help me make something. He owed me a favor because I once saved his kitty."

Ino slipped the ring onto her finger and smiled. It was a simple silver band with a small orange oval stone that had a swirl engraved in it.

"I love it Tobi…it's cute!"

Tobi squealed and tackled Ino to the ground. He rubbed his clothed cheek against hers.

"Tobi is glad Ino likes it! Tobi worked really hard on it!"

Ino blushed for the umpteenth time, "Eh, Tobi, will you get of me?"

After a moment, he said happily, "No."

Thought he was still rubbing his cheek against hers, she managed a feeble, "What?"

"Tobi likes how you feel against Tobi's body."

Ino blushed madly. She had to stop being such a pervert. The images flashing through her mind were far from innocent.

"…thanks…you don't feel to bad yourself."

Ino could have sworn the masked boy purred in response.

Ino's blush intensified.

If Tobi did not get off of her now, Ino would take no ownership of her actions.

Tobi made no move to get off her.

_Must control body._

Tobi wrapped his arms around her.

_Must not take advantage of clueless boy._

He was still rubbing his cheek against hers.

Ino gulped and squirmed. She never had good self control.

"Tobi, if you do not get off me right this minute, you are going to find yourself horribly violated and morally desensitized."

Confused, Tobi propped himself up, "What does Ino-chan mean?"

Thanking the good lords above, Ino scrambled to her feet.

Thinking of an excuse, she grabbed her rear end, "What Ino means is that Ino has a serious date with the crapper."

"…oh…_oh!"_

Ino ran out of the laundry room and sprinted towards the bathroom.

She slammed the door shut, locked it, and slumped down.

What a cute guy.

She sat for a couple of minutes before a she heard a knock.

"Ino-chan! Tobi has to go to town with Deidara-senpai to buy some milk, Tobi will be back in a day! And Zetsu-san and Kakuzu-san have left to kidnap your friends! Have fun with Crapper-san!"

Ino shouted back, "Thanks Tobi!"

Ino listened as he heard his footsteps disappear.

Her friends were coming?

Yes!

She sighed and unlocked the door and stepped out.

.x X x.

A couple of hours later, after Ino had made dinner, she was in the main room, watching the movie 'Transformers'.

Just as is started, she saw Kisame walk past the TV looking extremely guilty.

Curious, Ino paused her movie and was intent on questioning the Shark man when Itachi walked in.

Ino gasped.

Itachi looked utterly dejected. Shoulders slumped, eyes in a downcast, he looked to be in a full blown depression.

Ino stood up, "Itachi?"

Itachi only grabbed her hand and led her out of the room.

.x X x.

Ino chocked.

They were in Itachi's bedroom, and his majestic bed spread was ripped from top to bottom.

"Kisame accidentally dropped his sword on my bed."

Ino looked at the normally stoic man.

"…can you fix it?"

Itachi looked helplessly at her.

Ino shook her head sadly, "I can't sow…what should we do?"

Itachi thought for a moment.

"Well…there is one thing…"

.x X x.

Hidan walked into Itachi's room, "Hey, Itachi, you have any more of that Herbal Essence…"

He stopped mid sentence.

Duct tape was everywhere, and Ino was currently holding a piece of tape that had connected itself to Itachi's hair.

"What the flying fuck are you two doing?"

Hidan made his way towards the bed and pulled at Itachi's hair.

After a couple of minutes of Ino and Hidan wrestling, Hidan got up and rummaged through one of the dressers and pulled out a pair of scissors.

"Lets cut the little fucker out this world."

.x X x.

Leader yawned and opened the fridge. He pulled out a liter of coke and then pulled out a box of captain crunch. (That he also kept in the fridge)

He poured the coke in the bowl and then the cereal.

He sat at the table and then he remembered that he had stolen a copy of Transformers from the movie theater when it came out.

.x X x.

Leader stared at the pathetic looking people on his couch.

But something was off.

Hidan's hair was longer on the right side than it was on the left.

Ino's long blonde hair now only came an inch or two out of her pony tail and Itachi's hair wasn't even long enough to be held in a pony tail.

The three of them had cocooned themselves into his Superman fleece and all three looked pathetic.

After a moment of thinking, sat beside the three and said, "Give me some blanket."

They obliged.

He then turned the TV on, "So…who are your favorite transformers?"

Hidan spoke, "Jazz."

Ino said quietly, "Optimus Prime."

Itachi said sadly, "A tie between Bonecrusher and Ironhide."

"Personally, I like Megatron."

So the leader of a deadly organization, an immortal man, a man who offed his own family, and a girl who liked flowers sat on a couch using a Superman blanket.

The four peoples watched intently as the movie started, three of the four trying to desperately forget their time with the scissors from hell.

The Queen of Ramen,

Ramenism

So, how did ya'll like it?

I apologize for any spelling and grammatical issues.

But I had so much fun writing this!!!

And I demand you to watch Transformers!! It is the best movie ever, even better than the new Harry Potter movie!

Rawr!

I love you all!

So I hope you enjoyed this!!

(Isn't the title of this chapter just grand?)

I don't own any of it, well, mayber the plot.

I hope!


	3. Infections of the Shaved Tarantula

Haphazardly Loved

Infections of the Shaved Tarantula

Ino sat on the counter in the large bathroom, watching the Leader shave his face.

"So…if you don't shave everyday, you end up with a red bush on your face?"

"…I suppose you could say it like that. Yes."

Ino nodded, completely absorbing everything the Leader said (He had that effect).

"So what kind of shaving gel do you use?"

Leader slapped his smooth cheeks, "I only buy Gillete. No matter how cheap Kakuzu is, I draw the line there."

Ino laughed.

Leader sighed and turned toward Ino, "But I do have a favor to ask of you though."

Ino jumped off that counter, "Shoot."

He sighed sadly, "Apparently, I'm allergic to my piercings, so I must go into town to get some more."

Ino gaped.

The man had like, twenty something piercings.

"So I have devised a plan. Kakuzu only managed to kidnap Haruno Sakura, and he should be here within an hour. I suppose we could meet Tobi and Deidara at the town, and between you, Sakura-san, Tobi and Deidara, I figured we could find at least a couple decent piercings."

Ino nodded. Jewelry shopping was something she and Sakura did frequently.

Leader continued, "I'm leaving Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, and Blue to hold down the fort, and Kakuzu is going to collect some bounty and since they only managed to kidnap one of your friends, Zetsu left to spy for us."

As the two walked out of the bathroom Leader said, "I need you to give Itachi-san a cheer up. Between his bedspread and his hair, he doesn't seem to be doing so well."

They were interrupted by a voice.

"What the hell were you two doing in the bathroom together?"

They turned around to see the blue haired lady holding a cooking magazine, an indescribable look on her face.

But the look could be roughly translated as a "I just got raped by Orochimaru" look.

Leader sighed, "Ino-san was watching me shave."

The lady glanced between the two of them. "Right."

She pulled out a sucker from her pocket and shoved pass them.

Ino waved to Leader and went to visit Itachi.

XXX

Ino was surprised to find that Itachi was not in his room.

Ino wandered around the cave until she found him in the main room, sprawled on the couch, watching Transformers.

Again.

"Itachi, I realize that it's a really cool movie, but your going to have to take a shower soon…"

Itachi sniffed his armpit and then looked at Ino dejectedly, "…Okay."

He made no move to get up.

Ino sighed, she grabbed his hand and dragged him gently to the bathroom she just got out of.

Itachi sat limply on the toilet as Ino turned the water on.

She turned around, put her hands on her hips and said in a very motherly voice, "Now, mister, I'm going to go get you some clothes, and you better be naked and in that shower when I get back!"

She stomped out.

XXX

Ino picked out a black set of silk boxers, a loose Optimus Prime T-shirt, and a pair of loose fitting blue jean shorts.

Perfect for lounging around (Which Ino assumed Itachi would do after the shower).

When she finally got to the bathroom, Itachi was standing there, in a towel, sopping wet, his face void of emotion.

"I feel much better Ino-san" Itachi said quietly.

Ino smiled and gave him his clothes.

"That's good!" She said enthusiastically, "But make sure you do not look in a mirror!"

Itachi nodded vigorously.

"Yes."

Ino saluted him and left the bathroom.

XXX

When Ino made her way to the kitchen she saw Kisame pouring gold fish crackers into a big bowl.

Ino smiled at him. She didn't know him well, but he had a mild personality, and she found herself just lounging with him.

"Hey Kisame! What are you doing?"

Ino peeked over the side of Kisame (She wasn't tall enough to peek over his shoulder).

Kisame made a troubled face, "Your friend is coming, yes? Well, I figured she hasn't seen Transformers yet…so I figured I'd serve some of my special "Transformers" themed gold fish crackers…but I have no idea where they are…"

Ino scratched her head.

Transformers was slowly becoming an odd…obsession within the criminal group.

But she couldn't blame them though, Transformers was the awesomest thing since sliced bread.

Kisame tapped his chin, "Well, I think they might be in the food storage room…"

"Then why don't we go look for them? Ino asked, "I have time."

Kisame looked at her, "I suppose we could."

XXX

Kisame and Ino looked at the stair way uneasily.

Ino said wearily, "It looks…ominous."

Kisame chuckled, "Yeah. Word of advice, stay near me."

"…why?" Ino asked nervously.

"Well…when the Akatsuki first started, Leader had a pet tarantula…and he got loose and made a home in the storage room."

"What's so bad about a spider?" Ino asked, confused.

"Well…Zetsu-san had some very strong weed killer stored in the room for a while, and the tarantula got into it…and it grew big."

"…big?"

"Big."

"How big?"

"Really big."

"…could kill us big?"

"Could seriously maim us, then kill us big."

"…"

"Well, we better get going."

Ino latched herself onto Kisame's arm and gulped, "Well, er…"

And the two delved into darkness.

XXX

Ino gasped.

This "room" was probably three times bigger than the cave they lived in, and it was all filled with food.

As Kisame and Ino made there way down the fourth row of stacked food, they found the giant box of gold fish.

Ino shook the box and smiled, "These are so adorable!"

The cheese crackers were the shaped of the Autobot's logo and the Decepticons.

Kisame nodded holding another box, "These are also cheese crackers, but they are bigger, and in the shape of the Autobots from the movie."

Ino squealed, "Does it have Optimus prime?"

Kisame nodded.

But before they could celebrate, a loud growl echoed through the room.

"K-Kisame? D-do spiders growl?"

"I don't know…and I don't want to find out."

Suddenly, a huge spider knocked over the high pile of food.

Ino and Kisame stared at it.

It stared back.

It jumped and landed on Ino, who screamed.

Kisame moved into action, pulled the spider off of Ino's face, grabbed her by the stomach and ran like the devil was after him.

For all they knew, the devil was.

XXX

Kisame and Ino were sitting on the couch, in shock.

Hidan walked in and sat next to them.

"So…you two met that fuckwad that lives in the food storage room, eh?"

Ino and Kisame nodded.

Hidan frowned, "I swear, that thing just won't die. I tried to perform one of my rituals on it…man, Kakuzu spent four hours sowing me back together."

Ino paled.

After a minute or two, Ino noticed that Hidan was only wearing boxers.

"Er, Hidan, why are you only wearing boxers?"

Kisame smacked his forehead.

Hidan smirked, "Well, when I'm not wearing my cloak, I prefer minimal coverage. If it weren't for you, I would be in the nude as we speak."

"…are you serious?"

Kisame sighed, "You got used to it after a while."

Hidan was smirking smugly when Itachi walked in, his grey-black hair still not able to be held in a ponytail.

"Hello Ino-san, Kisame-san, Hidan."

"Hey fuckface!."

"Hello Itachi-san."

"Hi Itachi!"

The man sat down and after a moment of silence, Hidan spoke up, "You wanna watch Transformers? If Jashin-sama were alive, he'd make that movie a god."

The other three nodded enthusiastically.

…

After fifteen minutes, Leader walked in and clicked off the tv.

Hidan stood up to protest when two people walked in.

The reaction was immediate.

"Billboard Brow!"

"Ino-pig!"

The two girls just about tackled each other.

Leader turned to Kakuzu who was counting a large wad of paper money.

"Kakuzu, why did we not succeed in kidnapping the other two?"

Kakuzu sighed.

XXX In Konoha XXX

Hinata dialed the phone, "Hey Tenten, the weirdest thing happened last night…a Venus fly trap appeared in my room. It tried to eat my face off. It took both Neji and my father to kill it."

"Really? That is weird. But something happened to me too. Somebody stole all of my money. Even my sock that I hid in my weapons cabinet. It was seriously odd."

Tenten and Hinata were confused.

XXX

Noticing the large wad of money, the Leader said suspiciously,

"Kakuzu…where did you get that?"

"Sakura-san got pissed off at this hotel clerk who hit on her, so when we left, she jacked the register."

Leader stared at the petite pink haired girl and wonderment.

"Just because he hit on her?"

"…more like squeezed her ass and grabbed her breast."

Leader look mortified.

"What?"

"Yeah, it was quite a sight to see. Apparently, he had groped every young female who was staying there and Sakura-san started a mob."

"A mob."

"Yes, Leader, a mob."

"Impressive."

"Much."

They turned their attention to the completely ecstatic females.

"Ne, Ino-chan, I'm hungry. Make me some of your famous New York style buffalo wings?"

Sakura pleaded, hands together and on her knees.

Ino laughed and the two ninjas skipped to the kitchen.

The men soon fallowed suit.

"Kakuzu, what is "New York?"

Itachi turned towards leader and said, "I can answer that. New York is a city from the hit manga "Earth". Its about a civilization that uses things called guns and bombs, jets and bazookas to blow shit up. Its quite amusing actually."

"It does sound amusing. When you see Deidara, please tell him about this…he may be able to draw inspiration from this "Earth"."

Itachi nodded.

XXX

As they sat at the table, Leader suggested that they introduce themselves to Sakura and visa versa.

"Well, I'm Haruno Sakura, I'm rather violent, I like dumplings, and my hair is naturally pink."

The men looked at each other.

Itachi cleared his throat, "I'm Uchiha Itachi, as you know. I like transformers, the color red, and I enjoy watching Gilmore Girls."

Ino and Sakura looked at each other.

Ino wasn't as surprised as Sakura, but seriously, what kind of S-class criminal watches a girly soap opera?

They watched as Itachi tucked one of the longer pieces of hair behind his ear very daintily.

Kisame flashed a sharky grin and said, "My name is Kisame, I like gold fish crackers, Transformers, and I detest how my sword looks like a giant tampon."

Silence.

Hidan smacked the table, "The name's Hidan. I fucking love Jashin, blood, and pain."

Leader gave him a look.

"…okay, fuck, I also love Transformers, Herbal Essence, and I used to own a dog named Caesar."

Kakuzu stated dryly, "I assume you got tired of the mutt and killed him."

Hidan glared at him and said defensively, "No, dogs don't have a long life, fuckface."

Kakuzu grunted and turned his attention towards Sakura, "My name is Kakuzu, I like balancing check books, money, and napping on hammocks."

Hidan rolled his eyes, "Ggay!"

Leader rubbed his head, "Oi."

"Well, I'm the Leader of Akatsuki, I like Transformers, White chocolate, and Frogs are my favorite animals."

He smiled and touched his face self consciously.

This did not go unnoticed by Ino, who asked, "What's wrong?"

"Oh nothing, I just feel odd. Its been five years since I've had any of them out."

Sakura looked at him curiously, "Had what out?"

Leader deflated, "My piercings."

Ino snorted and changed the subject, "What do all of you hoodlums want for lunch?"

Many voices answered her, but a strong, commanding voice rang above all else,

"Captain Crunch and Coke, please."

Everybody looked at the Leader of the Akatsuki.

Itachi tapped his chin, "Doesn't sound bad…"

Kisame rubbed his stomach, "I'll eat anything."

Hidan shrugged its shoulders, "It can't kill me, I'm immortal."

Kakuzu looked at the Leader thoughtfully, "I've never had it before."

Sakura giggled and said, "Whatever floats your boat. Buffalo wings can wait."

"Its decided then." Leader said, "Eight bowls, Ino-san!"

Ino sighed.

XXX

One Transformers movie and eight bowls of Coke Captain Crunch later, Sakura, Ino, and Leader left for town.

XXX

When they got into town, Deidara's loud voice and Tobi's vibrant mask weren't hard to miss.

Deidara was currently in the middle of the street, his hair sopping wet, yelling at Tobi,

"You moron! Do you know how long it took me to do my hair-yeah?"

Tobi, who was cowering on the other side of the street, said feebly, "Tobi didn't know the water gun was full. Tobi swears! Swears!"

Leader sighed, "Deidara, leave the poor boy alone."

Deidara glared at him and flipped his heavy hair over his shoulder.

"Whatever, yeah."

Ino smiled brightly as Tobi flung himself onto her,

"Ino-chan! Tobi has missed you so much! Deidara-senpai is so mean to Tobi, he makes Tobi feel bad!"

Ino blushed.

It was odd being smothered by a man that was a good foot and a half taller than her.

Pleasant, but odd.

As he ran back to Deidara, Sakura elbowed Ino.

"Looks like someone has been busy…"

Ino punched Sakura in the arm half heartedly.

"It's the mask", the blonde mumbled, " the mask makes him hot."

Sakura smirked, "Right."

XXX

The Leader had sent Tobi and Deidara to find some nail polish, because the Akatsuki were running low.

But he took the two girls to a small shop on a corner of a street.

A jewelry store.

As they walked in an elderly lady waved to them,

"Pein, my son, why have you come?"

Sakura and Ino looked between them.

"Your name is Pein?"

"Your mom has pink hair?"

The woman smiled, her pink hair held in a loose pony tail, her green eyes flashing, amused.

Sakura quickly grabbed the leader's collar, and with amazing strength, made their eyes meet,

"Why the hell does your mother look exactly like mine?"

Leader's mother interrupted, "I would only venture to guess that we were related. Anyway, Pein, why are you here?"

Pein sighed, "I'm allergic to my piercings. I need some new ones. And you are the only jeweler who makes the poles that go through my ears."

The woman sighed and led them to the back room.

After thirty minutes, Sakura held up a set of earrings.

"I think these would suit you, Leader."

Leader and Ino shuffled over to wear Sakura was standing.

The Leader took one look at them, and by god, it was love at first sight.

"I love them! Mom, I'll take these!"

It was a set of earrings that his mother had specifically ordered for her son.

Every piercing was blue with red flames.

The marking of Optimus Prime, the leader of the autobots from the movie Transformers.

As Pein followed his mother to the outside room, his mother shouted to the two girls,

"Pick whatever you like! It's all for you!"

Sakura and Ino looked at each other.

"Sweet."

XXX

When the two girls walked out of the back room, they saw that Leader had all of his piercings in.

"So, girlies, what did you two pick?"

Ino held out her hand, "I chose a transformer themed ring, the one and only Bumblebee."

The ring was yellow, with two black stripes going down it.

Sakura gestured towards her right ear, "This is the Autobot's logo."

She gestured to the left, "And this is the decepticon's logo I honestly don't know what they are, but Ino said they were awesome."

The woman laughed and shooed the three people out of her store.

"Get out you hoodlums, as much as I love my son, this town isn't criminal friendly!"

XXX

Once they got to the cave, Tobi tackled Ino to the couch and snuggled against her.

Sakura smirked and dragged the leader out of the main room.

Ino squirmed underneath him, "Tobi…what are you doing?"

"Tobi is snuggling against his Ino-chan."

"Your Ino-chan?"

Tobi purred.

"Yes…Tobi's…"

He relaxed against her and Ino found herself blushing.

Again.

XXX

Sakura and the Leader huddled next to each other and stared at the two on the couch.

"Sakura-san, should we be spying like this?"

"Just shut up and watch."

XXX

Though she would admit that he was a very flirtatious creature, she had never been so…close to anyone like this.

Tobi, who was still purring (Ino had no idea that people could purr. Maybe it was a Tobi thing), pulled up his mask slightly, only enough for Ino to see his lips, and smashed them down upon Ino's.

Who just about shit her pants.

But , she thought between kisses, Tobi was definitely very, very, skilled at kissing.

She moaned.

Very, very skilled indeed.

But before they could proceed any further, Leader jumped from his hiding spot,

"Okay, okay, you are not doing that on my leather couch!"

Tobi slid his mask down and laughed, "Tobi wouldn't do anything like that on your couch! Tobi is a good boy!"

Ino blushed as Sakura, who had also revealed herself, gave her a look of pure smugness.

Leader sighed.

"Sakura, Ino, please go get Mom."

"…Mom?" Ino asked, "The one at the store?"

Leader shook his head no, "Uh, the blue haired lady. We call her mom because she pays the bills. And she makes sure we are stocked on food."

Sakura and Ino sighed.

These, men, if you could even call them that, were extremely hopeless.

No wonder why they were single.

XXX

As they walked down one of the many hallways, Ino remembered,

"Sakura, what do you think you were doing, spying on me like that?"

"You guys were making out in the main room on a couch. Not exactly private."

Ino said nothing, Sakura was right.

Sakura continued, "I was surprised Tobi would do that though…he didn't seem like the kind of person to do that…" She gave Ino a sly look, "It seems that Tobi isn't such a good boy after all…"

Ino blushed, "Shut up, forehead girl!"

Sakura and Ino jumped as a door flung out in front of them, barely missing their noses.

The door slammed shut once again to reveal, the blue haired lady.

"Mom?" the two girls said in unison.

She looked at them, pulled a sucker out of her pocket, and said lazily, "What's it to you?"

"Er, Leader wanted us to get you…" Sakura said uneasily.

Mom looked between both of them, her I don't care-ness radiating off her persona.

"Okay."

_Wow…that was anticlimactic._ Ino thought to herself.

XXX

When the three females entered the main room they were greeted with eight voices,

"Mom!"

Mom flipped her blue hair and walk to the farthest end of the couch, mumbling, "God, men disgust me with their antics…"

Leader was sitting in the middle of the big couch, Itachi and Kisame, who was holding a bowl of cheese crackers, to his left, Tobi to his right. Hidan was sprawled on the floor, only in his boxers, Kakuzu was next to him, counting money, Zetsu, who had arrived when the girls were out, was on the end of the couch, and Deidara was next to Tobi, his legs over the top of the couch, his head resting on the leader's out stretched foot.

"Ah, we are just about to watch Transformers." Leader said to the girls.

Sakura looked at Ino, confused. "Transformers?"

Hidan answered her, "Only the best goddamned movie ever."

Sakura eyed him suspiciously.

Ino laughed and went to where Tobi was, fully intent on sitting next to him, but Tobi had other ideas.

He grabbed her the stomach and buried her into his cloak.

Ino blushed as she curled up against the masked man's chest, her small frame molded perfectly against his.

Sakura giggled and wiggled her way between Kisame and Itachi, who put up no fight.

Ino's blush intensified as she header Sakura's giggling.

Life wasn't fair.

"Is Ino-chan comfy?" Tobi asked the blonde.

Ino nodded, not trusting her voice.

By now, Sakura had her face buried in the side of Kisame, trying not to laugh.

Leader, who was looking at Deidara's head that was on his foot in mute interest, said in a commanding voice, "Now listen to me you nimrods, we are starting the movie, shut up!"

He looked down, "Hidan, would you please…?"

Hidan smiled and pulled the remote…from somewhere and clicked play.

Ino, who had been entrapped by Tobi, watched as Leader kept glancing at his foot every couple of seconds.

Ino eyes him suspiciously one more time before she paid attention to the movie.

She wasn't surprised when three minutes later a howl of pain echoed through the room, masking the movie's sound completely.

"Holy hell, are we being attacked?"

"Pause the movie, Hidan, pause it!"

"Someone turn the fucking light on!"

"God, men are morons."

When the light did finally click on, Ino saw Deidara halfway on Zetsu, his face contorted in pain, his hands covering the left of his head.

Tobi squeaked, "Deidara-senpai! Are you ok?"

Ino looked at leader, who had both of his feet fit under his bottom snugly, a very smug and satisfied looked graced his features.

Ino looked at him, her tone condemning, "…what did you do…"

Leader smirked and shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, "Hey, I saw the opportunity, and I took it. I'm a businessman, can you blame me?"

Ino snorted and watched as the injured Deidara sat up shakily, his good eye glaring at his leader with a passion.

"Hidan, press play?" Leader asked.

"Yeah, sure-Fuck? Where is the remote?"

Suddenly the movie began to play and everyone looked at the outstretched hand.

That belonged to Sakura.

"Eh, what gives?" Hidan shouted at her.

"I'm the lady, I get first dibs on remote!"

"Says who?"

"Says me!"

As the two argued the rest of the group sighed, they tried to watch the movie.

But Sakura and Hidan argued something fierce and the movie was lost, and a battle of words sieged through the night.

XXX

The Queen of Ramen

Ramenism

I hope you liked it, I sure did!

I can't believe Tobi is all bad ass now in the manga!! Zoinks!

Anyway, I've concluded that HinataXHidan and TenTenXKisame would be hard to pull off, so the new pairing I've added is TsunadeXPein. I've got big plans for this so….

The official pairings: Tobi and Ino, And Tsunade X Pein

So…NEXT CHAPTER:

Enter Naruto, the raging wars of Remote ownership and Tobi is a good boy.

Okie Dokie, see you next time!

I own Naruto…and I'm the president of the united state and my laptop is made out of pure gold….right…..So the point is…I don't own…ah, hell, whatever.

Lotsa love to my readers, you make this bowl of Ramen feel good!

PS. I'm sorry if you don't get the Transformers thing…..I just have to put it in there….


	4. Makeout Sessions of the Remote Wars

Haphazardly Loved

Make-out Sessions of the Remote Wars

(Consider your self warned…)

Ino yawned and sat up, her body protesting against leaving the warmth.

Groggily she slapped her hand around in an effort to find her two rings when the thing she slapped groaned.

"…the hell?"

Ino looked at where her hand was and almost gasped.

She had just slapped Tobi's masked face.

Tobi just snored a little louder and rolled over.

Fully awake, Ino realized that she must have fallen asleep to Sakura's and Hidan's bickering and Tobi must have carried her to her room.

Ino didn't really mind having Tobi in her bed, he was like her very own "man blanket".

Ino snorted and quietly saw that her roommate (Her room was huge, they could probably fit a couple more beds in and still be able to pull off a drunk college worthy party) , Sakura, wasn't in bed.

She slid on her Transformers slippers and shuffled quietly to the hallway, where she heard loud shouts.

Curious, she wandered her way to the main room.

Only to see a half naked Sakura on a half naked Hidan.

Wrestling.

Ino ran to the couch, "Sakura, why the hell are you only wearing your underwear?"

Sakura didn't look at her, "Hey, if he can go around in his underwear, I can too! Give me my remote you annoying religious man!"

Hidan scowled, "Your remote? I don't every remember it being your remote, bitch!"

Ino heard foot steps and looked at the doorway, praying it wasn't the leader.

She found herself staring at a blonde boy.

With blue eyes.

Who was wearing orange and black.

"N-Naruto?"

Naruto, who seemed to be immobilized, came back to life, also running to the couch,

"Sakura-chan What are you doing to this man?"

"What the hell are you doing here Naruto?" Sakura looked up at him.

"Hah! I got it, bitch!"

"Oh no you don't!"

Naruto looked at Ino, "Ino? I was looking for a special Ramen store and I found this cave…"

"Naruto, make yourself useful, take the remote from this son of a-"

"Ignore her, Blondie, she's the one who stole it from me!"

Ino, who's morning nerves were much like pms, snapped, "We are dealing with a major crisis here!"

"That's what I'm talking about, Ino-pig! This sad excuse for a man has **my **remote!"

"Bitch please, I've lived here for five years, you've lived here for two days!"

Ino hopped on the couch and grabbed the remote, "Okay, now. I have the remote, whatcha gonna do about it?"

Sakura and Hidan looked at each other.

And then tackled her.

But before they could get the remote, Ino threw it up in the air and it landed conveniently in Naruto's hands.

Naruto watched as the two underwear clad ninjas climbed over the couch.

"Oh crap."

And faster than you could say "Dattebayo" the two crazed ninjas were on him like Kakashi was on porn.

Ino peeked over the couch and saw that they had stripped Naruto of all his clothes but his boxers and he had the remote in his mouth.

Ino was about to help him when a voice carried easily over the curse words being thrown around.

"Is there any particular reason why loud shouting disrupted my time with the TV?"

The leader appeared in the doorway, wearing a sea foam green bathrobe with silver polka dots and matching slippers.

Suddenly, Itachi, Kisame, and Tobi appeared, apparently also hearing the chaos. (How the hell the others didn't hear them, Ino wasn't sure of. They must sleep like logs…perhaps, Zetsu more than anyone….)

Kisame looked at them and said in a dismayed voice, "Why don't I get invited to anything!"

Tobi flailed his arms, "Ino-chan!! Are you okay?"

Hidan, Sakura, and Naruto stood slowly, revealing themselves to the leader.

He glanced at Ino.

"Love your slippers."

He glanced at Sakura and Hidan, "Seriously, as your Leader, I don't want to know."

He then glanced at Naruto, who scrunched up his eyes.

"Either Deidara cut his hair, got tattoos, tanned, and grew three inches shorter or this is a guest."

Ino nodded, "Leader this is Uzumaki Naruto, Naruto this is Leader."

Naruto looked at leader and an odd shine appeared in his eyes, "I like your piercings!"

The same odd shine appeared in Pein's eyes, "Thank you, I like your whiskers!"

Sakura groaned.

This same shine appeared whenever Naruto ate Ramen.

Something called "Naruto Love", which, in Naruto's own little way, was a sign of respect.

It would seem that Naruto had found himself a Daddy figure.

XXX

As they ate in the kitchen, Ino asked Naruto how he found the cave.

"Well, I think that Kakashi wears his mask because he has sever allergies that nothing can cure. So I wanted to test it. I found a field and I wandered for a while and I found myself here."

Ino knew all of the fields in Konoha, her family owned the flower shop after all.

"What kind of flowers were in the field?"

"Blue and white. Some Pink."

"Blue, white, pink…hey, that's my field!"

The table stared at Ino.

Ino said to Leader, "Your hideout is in my field, is that how you kidnapped me?"

Leader, who had a mouthful of poptart, gestured to Kisame and Itachi.

Kisame grinned and shrugged, "Well…"

XX Flash back XXX

Kisame and Itachi stared at the Ino, who was sleeping in a patch of flowers.

Kisame grinned, "Wanna kidnap her?"

Itachi shrugged, "Sure."

XXX End flash back XXX

Ino hit her head on the table, "You've got to be kidding me. I'd wanted my kidnapping to be more…dramatic…you know, for a good story."

Sakura broke off a small piece of poptart, "You know, if you could find it , Naruto, I'm sure Sasuke could."

Naruto nodded (though a little insulted), and Hidan said, "I'm surprised he hasn't by now. Our cave even has a fucking welcome mat."

"Yep, It's lime green with the word in red." Leader said, seemingly pleased with himself.

"I hope he finds us."

Every one looked at Itachi, who poked his poptart hard.

"My foolish little brother thinks that the Akatsuki is full of filthy s-class criminals that live to kill and that we have no hopes and no dreams."

Itachi ripped the poptart in two,

"Though I'll admit, some of us like to kill, we have feelings and hopes. Hopes that got killed by their fathers…"

The group scooted their chairs closer to him, it was story time.

"Well, you see…it all started when I turned seven…"

XXX 13-ish years ago (Assuming that Itachi is Twenty Something) XXX

A seven year old Itachi looked at his mother's women magazine and fell in love.

He ran to his father and tugged on his leg, "Dad, I want to become an under wear model just like the guy in the picture!"

Fugaku looked at the man and slapped his son's hand, "No! Listen boy, you will become the heir to the Uchiha clan and you'll not disgrace out family by doing that…that male strip tease for money!"

Fugaku walked away, leaving little Itachi's heart crushed.

XXXXX

Itachi began to deform the next Poptart, "I spent the next five years training myself. I had mastered the cat like walk, the poised face, the air of superiority that models had, I made my body look like a god. At the age of thirteen I could begin a career in modeling legally, but there was only one thing in my way. Parental consent."

XXX 7 years ago XXX

"No! As your parent, I will not allow you to do such foolishness!"

Itachi scowled, "I could bring in great money. And great fame."

"I already said no!" Fugaku said sternly.

But Itachi persisted, "Father, I don't think you've come to terms with how hot I really am…I'm practically sex on legs."

Mikoto gasped.

"Itachi, I am your father, and I said no. You will do as you're told."

Itachi's eyes flashed red but he said,

"Yes father…of course father…I'll be-"

He saw the smug look on his parent's face and he snapped.

"Fuck this, you can't control me like I'm some dog!"

And thus, exactly 12 minutes and 45.9 seconds later, the Uchiha clan lived no more.

And as Fugaku breathed his last breath, he heard his son's voice,

"You just watch from hell, daddy. I'll become a model, make lotsa money and own this world. Respect it, bitch!"

XXX

"And that was the last thing I said to my parents." The stoic man said quietly.

"Woah, that's fucking deep, dude," Hidan said, scratching his bare chest.

Sakura tapped her chin thoughtfully, "You ever think Sasuke would have accepted that?"

Itachi looked at her oddly, "Maybe when he was a child, but this new…gay version of my brother isn't so open…"

"It would be very amusing though", he added as an after thought.

XXX Exactly 5,234.85 miles away from Akatsuki XXX

Karin tapped her chin thoughtfully, "Hey Sasuke-kun, do you ever think that Itachi killed your clan because he wanted to become a male model?"

Sasuke stopped walking.

"If you ever mention that again, Karin, I will not hesitate to kill you."

Karin adjusted her glasses, "Sorry Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke walked ahead of the group but Karin and Suigetsu lagged behind,

"Wow, Sasuke-kun's a pretty cranky guy. It's not like Orochimaru nailed him in the butt or anything."

Suigetsu smirked, "Well, actually, I heard that Orochimaru came pretty close…"

Karin gaped, "What?"

Suigetsu and Karin huddled together, the gossip session starting,

"Yeah, I heard that he asked Sasuke if he wanted to see his "snake". And Sasuke said yes, because that idiot takes everything literally, and when Orochimaru did show him, Sasuke past out on the spot. And when he woke up, Orochimaru was chasing him around, naked, but Sasuke managed to kill him."

"No way!"

The two looked at him for a second,

"You know, Sasuke-kun's butt-bow is kind of gay."

Suigetsu snorted, "I swear, if we ever see his old teammates, I'm going hide behind a bush and say in a dramatic voice, "Guess who's back? The gayest man of the year!" and it's going to be hilarious."

"That's genius-

"Ahem."

Karin and Suigetsu grimaced and turned around.

Only to see a surprisingly self-conscience Sasuke.

"Okay, fist off, Orochimaru was actually holding a snake when he asked me that, what was I supposed to think? Secondly, I was in a hurry, and I couldn't find a belt, so I had to use this bow. And lastly, do I really look that gay?"

He finished his sentence with an elaborate hand gesture, that just screamed, "Look at me, I'm special, I use opposite gender hand gestures".

Suigetsu and Karin looked at each other.

"Nah."

Sasuke scowled. They were awfully bad liars, considering the fact that they were ninjas.

Little did Sasuke know, he wasn't the only Uchiha constantly getting his masculinity challenged.

So, even though he didn't consider Itachi his family, it was the same blood that flowed through their veins.

XXX

Fifteen minutes later after Itachi's deep story of his childhood, Leader called for a meeting.

XXX

"It would seem that we have grown closer to Ino-san and Sakura-san in the past one and a half weeks…so in view of the circumstances…screw it, lets just forget the plan and take a vacation."

The men (and the one fairly pissed off, half asleep woman) looked at each other and said,

"Agreed."

So, since Leader felt obliged to make the meeting longer, he pulled out several big catalogs.

"Men, Mom, it is time that we do our refurbishing of clothes and furniture…"

He looked at them all, "Your guidance counselor for color schemes, décor, and lighting will be Itachi."

He slammed his fists down on the table.

"And men? As your leader, I will not accept failure. It's fashion or bust, now get working!"

XXX

Sakura, Naruto, who were both in their underwear, and Ino sat at the table.

"So, Sakura-chan, Ino. I'm bored."

Sakura glared at him.

"Well…you know …I did this all the time when I was a kid…"

Sakura and Naruto turned their attention to Ino.

XXX

An hour later, the Akatsuki walked out of their meeting room and into the kitchen.

Only to find themselves graced with the an oddly familiar sight.

Naruto and Ino were on the table, had there backs to them, both of there hips beating to an unheard rhythm, as was Sakura.

The three turned around, all eyes shut, and Naruto and Ino began to sing,

"Ahhh…..aaaahhhh!"

Sakura stomped her foot and sang loudly, her strong voice carrying,

"Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where's the street wise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn't there a white night upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need!"

Sakura twirled around and sank back, "Ahh! Ahh!"

Naruto and Ino and Sakura started twirling in unison.

Naruto sang in a surprisingly pleasant voice, "I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night!"

Sakura pointed a finger and said, "He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast and he's gotta fresh from the fight!

Naruto scrunched up his face, seemingly feeling pain, "I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light!

Ino swiveled in front of him, "He's gotta be sure and it's gotta be soon and he's gotta be larger than life, larger than life!"

Naruto and Sakura sank back, and Ino continued to sing, "Somewhere after midnight in my wildest fantasy…somewhere just beyond my reach, there's someone reaching back for me. Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat. It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet!"

She slapped her butt and Naruto jumped in front of her and sang dramatically, "Up where the mountains reach the heavens above, Out when the lightning splits the sea. I could swear that there's someone somewhere watching me…"

He eyes still shut tightly, he grabbed his chest where is heart would be, "Through the wind and the chill and the rain, and the storm and flood, I can feel his approach like the fire in my blood!"

Sakura and Ino stood next to Naruto and all six of their eyes opened at the same time, "Hero! Hero! Her-"

The three of them dropped their spoons.

Leader smiled at them and said to Ino, "That was actually good."

Ino blushed.

Tobi came up in front of his leader and wrapped himself pathetically around Ino's legs.

"Tobi doesn't know what a superman is and Tobi doesn't know how to be larger than life! Tobi hopes you'll still have him!"

Ino patted his head, "Tobi, you worry to much."

Sakura laughed, but saw that Kisame was approaching her,

"Hi Kisame."

He looked up at her, "Would it make any difference if your hero was blue?"

Naruto gaped.

If Itachi were any other person, his jaw would have collided with the floor.

Not once, in the seven or so years he and Kisame had been partners (And good friends), had the shark ever taken any interest of the opposite sex, not even his own. Maybe not even sex period.

Well, he himself hadn't either, but becoming a male model basically ate out any other feelings.

Hidan, who was forced to put some clothes on, only raised an eyebrow. It was beginning to become a little too dramatic for his taste.

Deidara was absolutely pissed. If people like Kisame and Tobi could get some women, why couldn't he?

He looked sexy, he walked sexy, hell, he even sounded sexy.

He growled and left the room.

Mom looked between the blue man and the pink haired ninja and sighed. This was beginning to sound a lot like a teenybopper movie.

Sakura blushed so much she could feel her arms burning.

It wasn't that she had never been hit on before, but how did he manage to do it so indirectly yet directly at the same time?

But her heart was working faster than her brain and she found herself saying, "Actually, I'd prefer it."

Naruto was about to scream.

In happiness.

He had long forgotten his little crush, but Sakura had never seemed to get over Sasuke .

Naruto almost tackled Kisame.

Ino was also feeling excited. Sakura hadn't been on a date since that time she got drunk and went out with Neji, who was also drunk.

Ino had found the two of them in her swimming pool, both clad in cow suits.

So dating was never really high on Sakura's agenda of stuff to do.

The room settled on an uneasy silence.

Leader's head was turning. Though he was happy that his subordinates were finally finding partners or whatever, he was not about to let this become a remake of Icha Icha Paradise.

Oh no, after Kakashi had sent him the book collection a couple years back, he couldn't look a single thing without thinking weird things.

But before he could say anything, a loud growl cut through the silence like a machete knife.

Everybody turned their attention to Itachi who patted his stomach lightly.

If he were any other person, he might have apologized, but he was Uchiha Itachi, and he gave them look that dared them to say anything.

Ino laughed nervously, "Heh, you guys want some lunch?"

The group nodded and Itachi smirked in satisfaction.

Oh yeah, he still had it.

XXX

"Ino, what the flying fuck do you put in this?" Hidan asked, tears streaming down his face.

In fact, tears were streaming down everyone's face except for Naruto, Ino, and Sakura's.

"Hm…just about two of every pepper I could find."

Ino had made her New York Style buffalo wings. Also known as the 'Super Duper, Ultra Hotness To The Max Burn Your Tongue Off Wings From Hell' buffalo wings .

Tobi poked his dejectedly, "Tobi didn't know that buffalo had wings. Tobi doesn't even know what buffalo are!"

Naruto snorted and half choked on his food.

Sakura was about to help Naruto when a loud song disrupted them.

"_Transformers! Robots in disguise, Transformers, more than meets the eye…"_

Everybody looked around them, confused.

"Ah, and that would be the doorbell." Leader said and got up.

When he walked out of the room, Hidan asked Kakuzu, "When'd we get a fucking doorbell."

Kakuzu answered him with a question, "Do you have any idea how much doorbells cost?"

A second later, Leader walked in, looking irritated.

"Leader…?" Naruto asked.

And then someone walked in behind him.

A rather pale, black haired, notable lips, and way to much of his torso showing, emotionless boy stood before them.

"Sai?" Ino, Sakura, and Naruto half screamed.

Leader looked at the boy uneasily and then turned to Naruto, "Can you please explain to me why he has asked me if I have a penis?"

Naruto's face contorted in a scowlish grimace.

"Ah, Sai seems to not have the fullest grip on what emotions are…" Sakura said carefully.

Leader glared at the boy and then lifted him up, and threw him into the chair next to him.

Naruto's eyes bulged, "You must be really strong, probably even stronger than Sakura-chan."

Leader sniffed, his ego hurt, "Damn straight."

Sakura and Ino looked at each other and sighed, "Men."

After an odd silence, Leader said to the table, "So, every three years we, the Akatsuki, order all new furniture."

Sakura and Ino looked at each other, "Why?"

Leader tapped his chin.

"Because we can."

Sakura rolled her eyes.

Leader clapped his hands, "Anyway, you all will be broken up into groups, and then in charge of picking out furniture, paint, and lighting. If you need help, you can ask Itachi."

He stood up, seemingly excited, "Oh, and I have a surprise. Now listen closely. Since we are no longer scheming to take over the world…we have one million dollars to burn."

Hidan perked up considerably, "One million?"

Kakuzu seemed to be having a seizure. "The pain of spending…I can already feel it…"

Itachi raised his eyebrows, "So if I wanted to buy some boxers that were woven with pure gold, I could?"

Leader made a face, "I suppose you could…"

As the table talked about what they could buy, Leader threw a large pile of catalogs on the table.

"These are your groups!"

They looked at him.

"Bedrooms: Itachi….and…"

He looked around.

"and Sai!"

Itachi glanced emotionlessly at Sai, who returned it.

"Main room: Kisame and Sakura!"

Sakura smiled and looked at Kisame, who had a shark's grin plastered on his face.

"Bathrooms: Deidara and Hidan. I know how much time you two spend in there."

Deidara grinned at Hidan and said, "Hypothetical high five!" (1)

The two men looked up for a second and then Hidan said, "Fucking nice."

Leader rolled his eyes, "Laundry room and kitchen: Tobi and Ino."

Tobi gave Ino a thumbs up.

"Zetsu, you have your greenhouse."

Zetsu nodded.

Leader turned too Mom, who was painting her toe nails, "All I ask of you is to do food check."

She nodded.

He slapped the table, his Chakra spiking, "Now start!"

And they were off.

XXX

After Tobi and Ino had finished the kitchen, they moved to the laundry room.

Ino was looking through the catalog and asked Tobi, "What do you think about Charisma blue?"

No response.

Ino looked up from the catalog, confused.

"Tobi?"

She turned around to where she thought he would be, but was taken by surprised as she was pinned against the wall.

"Charisma Blue sounds fine to me…" Tobi purred into her ear.

Ino turned red and closed her eyes.

Why the hell was Tobi's voice so sexy and deep and so damn mouth watering?

He licked the side of her cheek slowly.

Okay, so besides the fact that she was enjoying this, it was a little disorientating to know that five seconds earlier, Tobi had been a good boy who couldn't tell a bear from a buffalo.

Ino opened her eyes and saw Tobi's mask half off, revealing a half lidded, deep blue eye.

"Ino-chan likes Tobi doesn't she?" He asked slowly, kissing her cheek.

Ino eyed him wearily as he kissed her chin.

"Ino-chan likes Tobi's mask…right?" He leisurely licked across her lips.

She glared at him. Why was he so good at this?

He sucked gently on her bottom lip and said, "Tobi isn't being a bad boy…is he?"

Ino growled. This was not fair. Here she was, succumbing to his inhumanly sexy voice, and there he was. Smirking at her.

But before she could protest about his hotness, he brought a gloved hand up to her cheek and claimed her lips as his own.

Ino brought her arms around his neck and he pressed her harder against the wall.

But just as Ino was getting into it, the door slammed open to reveal a very disheveled Sakura being held by Kisame.

Ino gasped as Kisame also pinned Sakura to a wall and began to maul the pink haired ninja's face.

Tobi took the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth.

Ino jumped an inch or two in the air, and Tobi pinned her right leg with his own, invading her personal space even more so than before.

After a minute, they took a breather, and Ino managed a, "You seem to be moving fast" directed at Sakura before Tobi once more licked her lips, making Ino groan.

Sakura managed to speak between the harsh kisses the shark was giving her,

"After being- kiss -in love- kiss – with a boy who took every possible moment to – long pause- tell me I was weak."

A pause.

"This is - kiss – way, way, better!"

Ino laughed as Tobi attacked her neck with open mouthed kisses.

But before things could get interesting, the door slammed open once again.

To reveal Pein and Naruto. Holding Light Sabers.

Leader stared wild-eyed at the two couples and held up his hands, "Oh, no, no, no, no! As Leader, I make a new rule that comes into effect as of now. Only one make-out fest per room. You feel me?"

Tobi slid his mask over his face and released Ino from his strong grip, as did Kisame.

Sakura straightened her shirt, smiled, and looked up.

And screamed.

"Naruto, what the hell did you do to your face!"

Ino blinked and saw that Naruto had 18 new piercings.

And he looked like the spittin' image of Pein.

Pein grumbled and said, "Bah, the power of youth these days."

Ino stared at the two blankly as Tobi and Sakura examined Naruto's face.

Power of youth…

_Power of youth._

**Power of youth!**

"Holy shit, Sakura!"

Sakura, now cranky at Naruto's stupidity, turned to Ino sharply,

"What?"

Ino pointed a shaky finger at Naruto, "Rock Lee…"

And then pointed to Pein, "Maito Gai."

Sakura let go off Naruto's collar, and Naruto fell to the floor.

"Oh. My. Dear. God."

She grabbed the fallen Naruto and threw him out the door, screaming,

"Naruto, I'm giving you a second head start, and you better run like your life in on the line, for all you know it is!"

Sakura ran out the room and Kisame followed after, chuckling.

Tobi also went after yelling, "Naruto-san! Tobi will try to save you…!"

Ino smiled slightly and then turned to Leader.

She grabbed the collar of his cloak and made sure they were eye level.

"Now listen to me. This would mark the second time you've interrupted my time with Tobi."

She brought his face closer to her,

"And there will not be a third time. Do I make myself clear?"

He nodded.

She let go of him and patted his chest.

"Wise decision."

With that, the blonde skipped off.

Leader sighed, wasn't he the one running a criminal organization?

XXX

Hah hah, can't write kissing scenes worth a crap.

So here is a poll for my dear reviewers.

Should Naruto get a pairing, and if yes, who?

Should I keep this nonsense fluff, or should I get a minor plot and then some more mindless fluff?

Just review and say what you think.

Anyway, You guys make me feel so special, I read your reviews and blushed!

And guess what, this is the longest chapter up to date!

I feel special!

Lotsa Love

The Queen of Ramen

Ramenism

UP NEXT!

Tsunade? Love at first sight between leaders?

Sai has a sense of fashion?

And Sasuke gets closer to his goal?


	5. A Rainbow of Pein

Haphazardly Loved

A Rainbow of Pein

(Fair warning: This chapter comes with a sweet Hidan package…and with Hidan…comes his dirty mouth. Let the fowl language roar.)

Ino did not even bother trying to move Tobi's foot from her face, feeling odd.

XXX Tigers and bears and Flashbacks, Oh my! (Earlier that night)XXX

It was about six pm, and Ino was in the kitchen, eating some goldfish crackers, when Sakura walked in.

After being gone for _three_ hours.

"Sakura…where have you been, with who, and doing what?"

Sakura smiled at her and took a seat next to the blonde.

"Well, after I killed Naruto for getting those piercings, I brought him back to life, and pushed him down the stairs, then healed his broken legs, Kisame and I made out for two hours."

Ino dropped a cracker, "Two hours? Did your lips fall off?"

Sakura smiled smugly, "Hell yeah."

Silence.

"But you were gone for three hours."

Sakura shoved a cracker mercilessly into her mouth, "Well, as much as physical contact is enjoyable, I'm not going to do things of that nature with a man I barely know. So we spent an hour getting to know each other."

Ino waited for her to elaborate, and when she did not, she asked, "So…?"

Sakura almost squealed, "He is just too sexy for words. He doesn't have a family member he's dedicated his life to kill, and he doesn't have ADHD, what more could a girl ask for?"

Ino stared at Sakura dumbly.

She had never realized it, but being teammates with Sasuke and Naruto had screwed Sakura up on so many levels, even Morino Ibiki, that moron from the chuunin exams, probably could not even begin to understand.

It was as if Sakura had developed an inferiority complex as well as a superiority complex that meshed together to make this affectionate homicidal seventeen year old girl named Sakura.

Sakura bounced her way out of the kitchen, humming some odd tune.

Ino laughed to herself when she realized that she seriously didn't know Tobi very well.

XXX End Flashback XXX

Ino's feelings for Tobi were changing, this she could tell, but—

She removed Tobi's foot from her face.

But she couldn't quite put her finger on it, but he wasn't always a good boy.

XXX Sometime after the first flashback XXX

Ino sat next to Tobi in the living room, poked him, and said, "Tobi, we don't know each other very well."

Tobi turned his attention away from the and poked Ino back.

"Nuh-huh. Tobi knows lots of things about Ino-chan."

Ino raised an eyebrow, "Really? Please tell."

Tobi counted them off on his fingers as he said them,

"Well, Ino-chan likes flowers."

"Obviously."

"She also likes pandas."

"…how did you know that?"

"Ino-chan loves soppy romance movies."

"That's a secret!"

"Ino-chan wants a bellybutton piercing."

"I haven't said that to anyone!"

"Not Tobi's fault that Ino-chan talks in her sleep."

"…ah, touché."

Ino gave a defeated sigh, "Still, Tobi, I know nothing about you."

Tobi scratched his head, "Well, Tobi likes orange, frogs, pretzels, swirlies, and Popsicle sticks."

Ino laughed half-heartedly. "Thanks Tobi."

After a moment of silence (awkward on Ino's part), Ino said loudly, "Tobi?"

"Yep, Ino-chan?"

"What's behind your mask?"

"Tobi's face, of course."

"…"

"…?"

"Are you going to show me?"

"No."

"…!"

"…?"

"Never mind." Ino said, defeated.

XXX end XXX

Ino slowly slid her self from under Tobi and sat on his back, staring at the wall blankly.

After several moments, Ino glanced curiously at Tobi.

"What ever is wrong with you can't be that bad…"

Ino grabbed his hand and slid off his glove to reveal tanned skin.

Confused, Ino rolled up his sleeve and gasped.

Tobi had metal plates going up his arm, gradually getting bigger.

_Holy crap_, Ino thought to herself as she rolled his sleeve down.

After a moment of hesitation, Ino reached for Tobi's mask.

However, before she could take it off, Tobi's hand flung out and almost broke Ino's wrist when it made contact.

Consequently, Tobi hit Ino's wrist in such a way that it smacked her in the face.

More specifically, her eye.

Ino bit her lip in an attempt to suppress a howl and ran out of the bedroom.

She stopped in the hallway and slid to the floor, breathing hard.

"Okay, Yamanaka, lets recap."

She breathed deeply.

"Scenario one: That stuff that Zetsu burns around the house isn't as innocent as it looks."

Another deep breath.

"Scenario two: You just tried to take off Tobi's mask and he totally **owned** you."

Ino sighed.

She massaged her wrist and began to laugh softly.

"Yamanaka, get it together. Tobi just about snapped your wrist in his sleep. It would have been worse if he was awake."

Ino sighed shakily, and was about talk her self out a panic attack when she almost screamed, hearing someone groan next to her.

She looked to her left and saw Naruto a couple feet away from her, lying on the ground.

"Naruto?"

He rubbed his head and sat up, "Jeeze…"

Ino raised an eyebrow, "Naruto, do you have a hangover?"

He stretched his legs and smiled sheepishly, "Nah, I just passed out."

"Why would you pass out?"

"Well, you see, Dad-Pein said that my-holy fuck, Ino, what happened to your eye!"

Ino jumped, "W-what?"

Naruto laughed, "Looks like you got a punch to the face!"

Ino blushed, "Uh…I tripped and hit a doorknob."

"…?"

"…"

"I'll just pretend I believe that."

Ino crossed her arms, "Well, so what. You never told me why you fainted."

"Don't say fainted, that sounds girly!"

"Just get on with the story!"

"Right. Well…"

XXX Flashback! XXXX

Pein and Naruto were walking down the hallway when Pein said,

"You know, when I was a genin, we went to Konoha frequently."

Naruto looked up at him, "Really?"

"You bet. It was fun to, your mother, Uzumaki Kushina, and I caused a whole hell of trouble for the Konoha Elders."

Naruto began to hyperventilate, "You knew my m-mother?"

Leader laughed, "Knew her? She was my best friend! And your father, Namikaze Minato, who would later become the 4th Hokage; he and I were best friends growing up too!"

Pein laughed harder until he heard a dull thud echo throughout the hallway.

He looked around and saw Naruto sprawled on the floor.

He shrugged his shoulders and said to himself, "I suppose I shouldn't have revealed that in such a…hn…casual way."

With that, he walked to his room, humming.

XXX End XXX

"Your dad was the 4th Hokage?"

Naruto puffed out his chest, "Hell yeah, respect it!"

Ino punched him in the arm, "Don't get cocky. Remember when you defeated Kiba by farting?"

Naruto deflated.

Ino was about to say something witty when her stomach growled loudly.

Naruto's stomach soon followed suit.

Ino stood up, "Well, I say we should take a trip to the kitchen and eat breakfast."

Naruto nodded, "I want Ramen."

Ino laughed.

XXX

As they walked in, Ino laughing, Naruto's stomach growling, they both stopped.

And choked on their spit.

"T-T-T-Tsunade?"

Tsunade, who was sitting at the kitchen table, smirking slightly, said, "Naruto, Ino..." She dropped her smirk, "Ino…your face…"

"I know. Trust me_, I know_."

A moment's silence.

Tsunade sighed and patted next to her, gesturing to them to sit.

They complied, and Ino asked shakily, "Why are you here?"

Tsunade sobered and said, "I have extremely important news."

Ino and Naruto leaned in closer.

"Naruto, Ino, you two were separated at birth."

Naruto's eyes widened and he slumped to the floor, clearly unconscious.

Tsunade giggled and said, "Nah. Just kidding."

Ino, who about had a heart attack, because secretly, she thought that being related to the 4th Hokage would be awesome, gave Tsunade a look.

"Why are you here then?"

Tsunade smirked, "Bored with work."

Ino was about to say something when Mom, Sakura, and Pein walked in, Sakura wanting Coke and Captain crunch, Konan wanting some toast, and Pein lost his sock and was looking for it.

"Tsunade!" Sakura yelled, "Ino…your face."

All three of the new comers stared at her for a moment.

Mom pulled out a sucker from her pocket, "Wuzzup."

Ino looked at Tsunade, who had an odd look on her face.

Tsunade then smiled at Mom, "Konan, sweetie, how have you been? I haven't seen you since Jiraiya was training you."

Sakura looked alarmingly at Ino and mouthed, "Didn't we have a Konan in Ninja academy?"

Ino nodded and mouthed back, "But Konan was a boy. And he choked on a pickle and died two years ago."

Mom looked lazily at Tsunade, "Been good."

Tsunade made a face, "Haven't seen you in over twenty years and all you have to say is 'been good'?"

Mom shrugged her off and began raiding fridge, no longer willing to be part of the conversation.

Tsunade eyed Pein, who blushed.

Sakura and Ino looked at each other, and Konan peeked over the fridge's door, a surprised look on her face, but she winked at the two girls nonetheless.

Tsunade straightened her shirt, going pink, "So, uh, you must be…?"

Pein, still blushing madly, said, "Pein, the Leader of the Akatsuki."

Tsunade blushed herself, "And I'm Tsunade…Konoha's Hokage…"

Sakura, who was standing behind Pein, pretended to gag, and Ino nodded in agreement.

There was nothing like a twenty-year-old man and a fifty-year-old woman flirting like crazy.

Konan, who only seemed like she was rummaging in the fridge, actually had a piece of paper pressed against the milk jug; a pencil placed in her hand, and was plotting.

Pein had not been on a date in what seemed like years.

In addition, as the mom, she took it upon herself to make sure all of her men were happy.

So far, Tobi and Kisame seemed to be the only ones who had met Mom's standards of happiness.

Mom slammed the door shut and looked at the two flirters.

"Tsunade, may I show you to your room?"

Tsunade nodded, and then waved shyly at Pein, and followed Mom out of the kitchen.

After she left, Pein draped himself over a chair pathetically.

"I bet she thinks I'm weird looking…"

"…come on Leader, I'm sure she thinks you're good looking." Ino said reassuringly.

Pein groaned.

Sakura sat on the kitchen counter, smirking, "You know, Tsunade once told me that she thought men with power were sexy. You may have a chance."

Pein perked up.

Sakura winked at Ino, who caught on and said rather loudly,

"Oh yeah! She says she loved red-headed men in uniform…"

"And she just digs piercings!"

By this time, Pein was sitting upright and staring at the two of them intently.

"Do you two really think…do you think she liked me?"

Sakura jumped off the counter and punched the air, "Of course!"

Pein giggled and said, "Well gee, I sure hope so."

Sakura slapped Pein.

"The hell?" Pein said as rubbed his cheek.

"Don't ever say "well gee" ever again. It's lame."

Ino nodded solemnly. "You have standards of coolness to keep up."

Mumbling about teenaged girls slapping him around, Pein looked at his watch, "Crap. Two people should have been killed by now."

He waved at them cheerfully and pranced over Naruto and out of the room, ecstatic.

Sakura put her hands on her hips and looked at Ino in awe, "Now there's a man who loves his job.

Ino grimaced.

XXX

Ino walked into the living room after a healthy crap. Well actually, she was in the bathroom with Sakura, who had healed her face. But if anyone asked, she took a crap, damn it!

She was going to go find Tobi when she saw Itachi, Naruto (Who had fully recovered from his two lapses after three bowls of ramen), and Hidan staring out the window.

Intently. This surprised Ino because Naruto had the attention span of a fly.

Well, scratch that, both boys had their faces plastered to the window. Itachi had his face a couple of inches from the window, looking slightly curious.

Ino was about to ask them what was going on when Kakuzu appeared beside her.

He was holding a mass of delicate, intricate, white colored fabric.

"What...?" they both asked at the same time.

Kakuzu cleared his throat, "Uh, in my spare time I sow. Intricate dresses, doilies, socks…body parts…you know, the usual."

Ino did not know what to say to that, but before either of them could confront the boys at the window, something happened.

Suddenly, Itachi, Hidan, and Naruto's eyes widened slightly.

Kakuzu and Ino looked at each other. Then the men (plus a boy) spoke quietly to themselves, seemingly awed.

"The fuck?"

"…"

"Like, woah."

All three leaned back for a moment, but then rammed their faces into the window again in morbid fascination.

After a couple of minutes Hidan and Naruto pulled their faces off the window with a sick 'plop'.

"What's going on?" Ino asked timidly, suddenly frightened by the looks in Naruto's and Hidan's eyes.

Itachi looked at Ino, nodded to her in a welcome, and then said simply.

"Some girl just tried to get married in our backyard."

And all of a sudden, chaos erupted from Hidan and Naruto.

"Holy fuck, there was like this heathen bride-girl and—

"And there was this dude in a boring looking tux—

"And then this fucking asswipe of a priest hung his ugly ass jacket on one of—

"That weird plant man's tree-limb-Venus-trap-broccoli thingies and he—

"Was fucking bald!"

"And then the bride-chick and groom-dude were, like, making out—

"Bald, I fucking tell ya!"

"And then, like, there was this weird noise thingy—

"And sure as hell, this bear—

"This huge bear came outta the forest like a rocket—

"I swear to Jashin, that sick-fuck was on steroids and—

"It ate the priest"

"And that sonuva bitch just swallowed the dumbfuck and—

"And then the groom—

"And that mofo-groom-fucker went all ape shit on the girl for no god dammed reason—

"The girl started bawling and that bear-beast--

"That sick-fuck just looked at the mofo and was all like "Ima get your bitch ass self—

"It bit the dude's head off!"

"And the horny bastard just wobbled around without a head like a chicken—

"And then the bride fell down, and passed out!"

"Then that fuck-for-brains bear burped up a toupee and walked outta our fuckin' backyard like it didn't just ruin wedding."

Naruto nodded and looked at Hidan, "Like, totally."

Kakuzu and Ino stood in an unnamable silence.

Kakuzu grabbed his chest, "Too much ADD. Think I just had a heart attack."

Ino's mouth hung open slightly, "What?" She asked smartly.

Itachi raised an eyebrow,

"Woman and man and priest were standing in out backyard. Bear comes out of nowhere, eats priest and head of groom. Wife-woman is now currently on the ground wailing…"

Itachi trailed off and he focused on the window once more.

Now not, only were Naruto, Itachi, and Hidan were practically on the window, Ino and Kakuzu now joined them.

Zetsu, who had been vegetating while this whole ordeal happened, slowly opened his Venus flytrap, looked at the bodies briefly, and curiously looked at the coat hanging off him.

He seemed to call out to someone.

From the greenhouse emerged Tobi, dressed in a bright orange apron, holding a hose.

They watched as Zetsu gestured toward the bodies, and Tobi nodded vigorously.

Zetsu pointed at the wife's body and Tobi looked confused for a second.

However, a second later, a stream of pleasant water jutted out of the hose and landed on the wife, who rolled over, shaking, indicating that she was in fact, alive.

Zetsu gestured to Tobi once more, and then to the body.

Tobi fiddled with his hose before he let water come out of the hose.

Except this time, the water pressure was ridiculously high.

When the water hit the headless body of the groom, it sent the body flying a couple feet.

Tobi then walked closer, still letting water out, 'pushing' the body closer and closer to a…ditch.

Where it promptly rolled down the hill and landed in a sludge puddle.

Ino did not know what to say.

The weirdest thing she had ever seen just happened within a minute.

They watched as Zetsu half carried, half drug the weeping wife-woman into the house.

XXX

They, being every occupant in the "lair" (A giant rock with a hole in it), save Tsunade, who was out getting drunk, sat in the living room, staring at the passed out woman laying on the coffee table.

"What was with that bear, anyway?" Sakura asked, breaking the silence.

"A pet gone bad." Pein said morosely. "His name was King Pillow puff. He was a polar bear that I stole from a zoo.

Silence.

Then a piercing scream erupted from the room.

"The fuck?"

"That hurt my ears, un."

"Tobi is glad he wears a cloth over his."

The wife-woman sat up and looked at them all, totally lost and totally freaked.

Suddenly Naruto jumped up, "You're that lady from the ramen shop!"

The girl stopped hyperventilating enough to recognize the blond blunder.

"N-Naruto-kun?"

"Yes Ramen-girl?"

"I just lost my husband."

Silence.

Then Naruto came up with a great idea, "I know! We can get you married again."

"Uh-what?" Ramen girl said, beginning to hyperventilate again.

He turned to Hidan, "You can be the priest dude.

He turned to Pein, "You can be that dude who walks her down the isle."

Konan, who didn't look up from her magazine, said with a sucker in her mouth, "I'll take care of the cake and food."

Kakuzu looked at the fabric still in his hand, "I can make the dress."

Tobi jumped up and down, "Tobi can be the flower girl!"

Ino made a weird loving-grimace face. Itachi noticed this, but said nothing.

Kakuzu looked at the swirled man, "I can make two dresses."

Naruto grinned and pointed at Kisame, "You take care of the guests and music…Zetsu you can do landscaping while Deidara makes art for the wedding…"

Everyone excited, they made their way out of the room, Kakuzu kidnapping the soon-to-be-bride-again for measurements.

All that left was Sakura, Ino and Itachi.

"What are we going to do…?" Sakura asked no one in particular.

Itachi leaned back and then crossed his legs dramatically,

"We man-hunt."

Ino and Sakura looked at each other, "Man-hunt?"

Itachi pulled out his shades from his pocket and said coolly,

"Let's do this shit."

XXX

Ino and Sakura found themselves in the middle of a busy street, man-hunting with Itachi.

"That one?"

"No."

"…"

"…that one with the big butt?"

"…"

"What about…him?"

"…good god, who was that creature's mother?"

"Itachi!"

"It's not like I'm lying or anything."

"…true."

"..Hey-hey-hey, Ino, Itachi!"

"Billboard brow, Lee's eyebrows are huge!

"No, Lee—

"I'm sorry Sakura-san, but _hell_ no…the one next to him…"

"Don't be mean to Lee-san."

"That's Neji. Hyuuga Neji. Sakura, do something!"

"What are you talking about Ino?"

"What difference does it make that he is a Hyuuga."

"I think he's gay! With Rock Lee."

"That was kinda random."

"Itachi?"

"Yes."

"Are we going to have to kidnap him?"

"…"

XXX

"I'll take a chocolate chip cookie…" Karin said to Sasuke.

They were currently in a Starbucks in Konoha, and they were staying at a Hampton Inn. You know, those hotels that cost five hundred dollars a minute.

Well, Sasuke was not going to take that crap, so the manager was currently being held hostage in his bedroom, in a drawer to be more exact, and they were staying free.

Anyway, Sasuke left to place their orders, _and_ seriously quench his caffeine addiction.

Karin looked out the window, bored of listening to Suigetsu talk about this weird blue-skinned uncle who was in some criminal organization that used to be a professional hockey player, and saw these people across the street pointing at people randomly.

There were two girls, one pink haired and one blonde-haired woman, and a man, who looked exactly like Sasuke…

Karin tugged at Suigetsu's arm, "Hey, look…is that Uchiha Itachi?"

Suigetsu sneered, "What—

They watched in silence as the three stalked closer to this boy with a very pretty face.

As the two girls flirted with him, the Sasuke look alike took a bat and hit the pretty boy over the head with it. The three of them took the unconscious body, stuffed it in a backpack, and almost ran as they escaped the street.

"What are you two staring at?" Sasuke had come back, holding three coffees for him, a cookie, an extra large water, and a muffie (A cookie/muffin).

Suigetsu and Karin looked at each other, "Nothing."

XXX

Itachi walked into the lair, Hyuuga Neji currently shoved into the backpack he was wearing, unconscious.

Naruto, who had a pencil behind his ear, was sitting on the living room couch next to the Ramen girl, who seemed rather comfortable.

She was wearing pajamas and had a bucket of chocolate fudge next her, eating it as the TV continued to decay her brain.

"Ah! Did you have any luck with the man-hunting?" Naruto asked as he stood up.

"We totally scored!" Sakura said excited. She took the backpack from Itachi and set the bag down on the couch. As she opened the bag, they all gathered round.

"Woah, perfect choice!" Naruto nodded in approval. "Ramen girl?"

Said girl looked at Neji and shrugged, "Whatever."

Naruto clapped his hands and then pulled a clipboard from outta nowhere.

"Now listen up. Konan's got the cake and food made, Itachi, Kisame needs you for something, girls, including you, Ramen girl, need to go see Kakuzu for dresses…Zetsu's got the back set up, Pein is shaving his face as we speak…Tobi's picking flowers…so, we should be set for the wedding in a couple of minutes…"

Neji groaned.

Naruto glanced at Neji and said to Itachi, "And if you'll please go Mangekyou on his pale ass, I'd appreciate it…he always walks around like he's got a stick shoved up his…anyway, Neji probably won't be happy…so, Ino, be prepared to do that mind body switch thing…"

Naruto walked off mumbling before he even finished telling them what to do.

The rest of the occupants rolled their eyes and went off to their respective place.

XXX

The sun was setting, and a small wedding was about to take place.

The backyard was transformed into beautiful landscape, tress everywhere, grass a healthy color, and orange flowers grew off every plant. Random clay birds were strewn across the grass and even a couple of Egyptian pyramids here and there.

Everything would have been serene if a sharp, twisted noise hadn't cut through the peace.

"What the hell Itachi? I told you not to play yet!"

"It's not my fault the some nitwit has the volume up to a bazillion decibels, Kisame."

Well, you see, the Akatsuki didn't own any instruments, and the closest thing they had to an instrument was a video game called Guitar Hero. Basically, you had a plastic guitar with five fret keys, and a whammy bar. The controller connects to your game system and you push the buttons down for a different note.

Kisame, out of desperation, dragged out their PS2 and connected two guitars to the system and had a white screen behind the make shift alter (It was the outer part of a door that they painted orange).

Naruto was sitting in the audience, next to a giant elephant stuffed animal.

Itachi was wearing a black velvet suit, and still had his shades on, standing their, pissed off because he was missing his favorite show, Fashionably Late with Stacy London, as seen on TLC.

Hidan was at the other guitar, wearing Priest robes, but the giant cross on the front of it was scratched out in a blue Sharpie, and a giant circle with an upside down triangle in it was drawn over the blue with black.

Konan pushed out a cart with an unbelievably huge cake on it that was orange, with red swirls just as the ceremony began.

Neji walked out in a tuxedo, face pale. He paled even more as Itachi lowered his shades and mouthed, "Don't make me go ape shit on you one more time."

Neji gulped.

Naruto gave a thumbs up and Sakura, Ino, and a wonderfully drunk Tsunade walked down the isle.

Itachi and Hidan fought over what song to play, and the girls were half way down the isle when they finally picked a song.

Within a couple of seconds, Hidan and Itachi began to wail on a rock song, each totally getting into it, Hidan grinning like a fool and Itachi living up to his "sex on legs" claim.

Pein walked out of the house, the Ramen girl walking next to him. Pein smiled slightly, he was beginning to dig this whole "daddy" thing.

Tobi pranced down the isle shortly after them, wearing a spaghetti strap, orange, mini dress over his pants and long sleeved shirt. He looked ridiculous, Ino noted, a sad look on her face. But cute.

Tobi waved at Ino.

Very cute indeed.

Itachi watched in interest as Ino's face went through many unhappy expressions.

_There's that weird face again._

When the bride was properly delivered to her spot, Hidan put down his guitar, flipped Itachi off, and took his place at the alter.

Kisame turned the volume down and Itachi played a less…obnoxious song.

Hidan cleared his throat, opening his Jashin Bible.

"Well…Hey fucktards, what's up."

He leafed threw the book, frowning slightly,

"We are here today to get the woman married to a semi-respectable man."

He shuffled his feet.

"The hell with this shit."

His facial features screwed into an annoyed face,

"Today we are fucking gathered here to waste time. I'm s'posed to spew random shit about trust and love and baking cookies. Well, _hell_ no. Marriage life ain't fuckin grand."

He poked the bride.

"Ramen bitch, he's not gonna treat you right, make you cook him fucking dinner, complain about shit he doesn't really care the fuck about, invite his asswad friends over, get piss faced drunk, and you aren't gonna get a fucking 'thank you' ever."

"And you", Hidan basically growled, poking the already freaked out Neji,

"Fuck you. Just fuck you. Cuz damn sure, she ain't gonna do it. She's gonna nag and fucking nag till you get off your ass. And she's gonna fuckin' expect that you're going to talk about your shit-faced feelings. Sappy son of bitches."

Hidan glared into the audience, "Any one opposed to these fuckers getting married."

Silence.

"Good. I now pronounce you disgusting mother fuckers husband and wife."

He looked expectantly between them.

"Ya'll can fuckin' suck face."

Neither of them moved.

"Fuck." Hidan growled and put his right hand behind the bride's head, his left behind the groom, and shoved their faces together.

With the deed done, he stomped towards his guitar, and wailed with Itachi, their mad skills too awesome for words.

Naruto looked to his right and saw Kakuzu, "…what was that?"

Kakuzu sighed, "Hidan is just pissed because he doesn't have any clean underwear."

Naruto nodded, knowing that exact feeling.

XXX

After Pein had delivered the newly weds to their new apartment, which was paid in full by Naruto, who had generously traded in all of his ramen coupons in for cash. The amount of money given to him was pretty substantial, so he bought them an apartment, and bought himself

a giant banana.

No one really knows exactly _why _he bought himself a banana, but when you live in a giant rock, anything can happen.

Anyway, the house was pretty quiet; Itachi and Kisame were watching Fashionably Late with Stacy London, totally absorbed into the show. Kakuzu was on the love seat sowing a doily, and Zetsu was vegetating next to the window, soaking in some moonlight.

Deidara was sitting at the coffee able, making clay nothings, his left hand eating a poptart, and Naruto was sitting on his giant banana, playing a PSP, also keeping an eye on the TV.

Ino and Sakura were walking out of the their bedroom,

"So anyway, I was like, Sasuke may be gay but…" Sakura trailed off as they entered the kitchen.

Konan was sitting on the counter, sucking on a sucker, watching the two occupants at the table in morbid fascination.

Sakura and Ino stared in horror.

Tsunade and Pein were sitting close together, staring at each other dreamily.

"I like the way your piercings bring out the rings in your eyes."

"And I like the way your hair drapes over your shoulders."

"And I like how you're a man with power."

"And I like they way your lips move."

Sakura and Ino ran to Konan,

"What the..?"

Konan looked at the two of them briefly,

"They've been doing this for a long time."

The two younger girls watched in horror as the two leaders began to make out.

"Well, Sakura and I are going to leave…you coming with?" Ino asked Konan.

Konan shook her head, "You go ahead. This is just further helping my Opperation: Get Pein a Woman."

Ino and Sakura looked at each other.

"Right…well, we'll be out there somewhere…" Sakura trailed off, gesturing to the doorway.

Konan nodded, barely glancing at them.

XXX

When The two girls arrived in the living room, Sakura went and plopped next to Kisame, who merely gave a manly grunt in acknowledgement.

Ino smiled slightly before she frowned.

Itachi who had been staring at her, asked, "Something wrong, Ino-san?"

She bit her lip, "Have you seen Tobi?"

Itachi had a weird look on his face, and was about to say something when Ino gasped loudly. He craned his neck to the doorway, and almost gasped. Almost.

(Because apparently, in the realm of logic, metaphysics, and the laws of nature, an Uchiha gasping went against all of those principles.)

There, in the doorway, the lighting seeming more dramatic than usual, stood  
Hidan.

Dressed in nothing but lavender, knee-length skirt, that in all honesty, looked downright fabulous on him.

"Hey fuckers…how's it hanging?"

Kisame frowned, "Dude."

Hidan flipped the shark off, "Hey, it's not my fault I ran out of underwear!"

Kakuzu, who didn't even bother looking at his partner asked, "What does that have to do with you wearing a skirt?"

Hidan huffed angrily, annoyed that his scythe was in another room.

"Well I tried wearing my pants, but the chaffing is fucking unbelievable!"

Deidara rolled his eyes and Naruto laughed, the realness of this situation sinking into him.

In front of him, with his own eyes, he saw some of the most dangerous men alive, acting on the same maturity level as he.

"Don't be giving him crap, look at yourselves! You guys aren't exactly the most excellent rep for manhood!"

Said males turned slightly pink, because hell just froze over.

_Naruto was right._

Deidara was wearing his "I heart Chicken" t-shirt, and really short, shorts, tan lines visible from were his usual Capri-ninja-pants normally rode. Itachi, who's hair hadn't quite recovered, had said hair put back by a girly looking headband with beads on it. And, if that wasn't enough, he was wearing the fluffiest bathrobe, and it was the most obnoxious neon green. And the matching slippers.

When Naruto pointed this out, Itachi simply stated that it had been gift from Pein, and that said, it was comfy.

Kisame was wearing a pink shirt that said 'jaws' in big yellow letters and a large pair of khaki cargo pants, and to top it off, a pair of yellow flip-flops.

Kakuzu, who at this point wasn't paying any attention to the morons around him, deftly ignoring them, didn't help their cause any.

First off, the tall, well built man was sowing a doily. Secondly, he was wearing Pokemon slippers. Thirdly, he was wearing a 'night dress'. And somehow, to Naruto, it was just a dress.

Zetsu, who surprisingly had subtracted his Venus fly trap thing, looked semi normal.

And really hot.

But, and with the men in Akatsuki, their always was a but, he was wearing a tie-dye T-shirt, with purple sweat pants.

Hidan had taken a seat by Kakuzu by this time, a little furious at how the runt was judging them.

"All in all boys, you are the most unmanliest group of manly men I have ever met. And not only are you unmanly, but you have no concept of color. I'm surprised none of you are color blind (To this Zetsu made an indignant squawk, because he was, in fact, color blind to a degree)."

With that, the blonde blunder turned his attention back to his video game and tuned them out.

After a moment of silence, the room began to murmur with talking once more, Kakuzu and Hidan bickering (Because Hidan wouldn't stop obscenely scratching his thunder down under, if you catch my drift) , Deidara 'un'-ing every now and again. Kisame and Sakura were making out, and Zetsu fell asleep.

Ino smiled and left the room, off to do laundry. Only god knows how long the world could take having Hidan in a skirt.

XXX

Ino sighed and folded Naruto's bright orange shirts slowly.

"Ahem…" A voice said from behind her.

Ino looked at the doorway, "Oh, Itachi. What's up?"

Itachi, still clad in all his neon green glory, sat next her and took a shirt to fold.

"What's wrong."

"Uh, what do you mean?"

Itachi adjusted his headband, "From what I can deduce, you are feeling some type of "ill" feelings toward Tobi."

Ino looked at him, air quoting, "Ill feelings…?"

He nodded, "Some type of…doubt."

Silence.

"I'm in love with Tobi."

Itachi raised a finely primped eyebrow.

Ino turned pink.

"Well, er, uh, yeah."

"I do not understand the problem, Ino."

"Well, uh, you see, Tobi's sweet and all, and he's funny, and cute, and all that."

"And?"

"And I don't know if he feels the same."

"And why wouldn't he?"

"It feels like there is this whole other side of him that he's hiding."

Itachi stiffened, but this didn't get passed Ino.

"I'm right aren't I."

Not a question. A statement.

And Itachi then said, with sincere honesty, "I'm not sure how right you are."

Itachi then patted her shoulder, "But since we have nothing better to do, in our Akatsuki meetings, we debate about your relationship when Tobi's out of the room. Which is quite frequent actually, that boy's bladder is weak. Anyway, we think that Tobi likes you more than he lets on."

If that same sentence had come from, well, lets say Deidara, Ino would have beat his ass.

Ino hugged Itachi, who awkwardly patted her back.

But this was Itachi, who had absolutely no tact, so it was ok.

XXX

Ino laid on her bed, fighting the onset of depression, the lights off.

She heard a loud knock on the door, "Come in, its open."

"Ino-chan! Tobi wanted to see if…" Tobi trailed off, seeing the darkness.

"Ino-chan?" Tobi asked quietly.

"Yes, Tobi."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Tobi."

"…do you want to come watch a movie with Tobi and the others?"

"Maybe, Tobi."

Tobi frowned under his mask. What was wrong with her? She sounded so dead.

"…Ino-chan…"

Ino thought about what Itachi said.

_He likes you more than he lets on._

After a pregnant pause, Ino finally said,

"Tobi, I'll come with you. I must of ate something funny."

Tobi's frown deepened.

Despite himself, Tobi nodded, not believing her. But she would tell him sooner or later.

Tobi watched as Ino stared at the ceiling, as still as stone.

Right?

Ino sat up and smiled at him, "Come on Tobi!"

"R-right!" Tobi said, before an idea struck him.

Faster than you could say, "Tobi is a good boy", Tobi scooped up Ino and charged down the hallway, laughing.

"Tobi! What are you…ah—AHHHHHHH!!" Ino screamed and laughed at the same time as Tobi ran into walls.

XXX

As Tobi ran into the living room, he tripped on Naruto's giant banana…And sent Ino flying.

Naruto stood up from his spot on the floor to see if his banana was alright.

Itachi watched in slow motion from his recliner as Ino did a couple of flips in the air and the scared faces of Pein (who had his arm around Tsunade on the other side of him), Zetsu, and Deidara as Ino landed on them with a 'thud'.

Sakura who was leaning on Kisame on the love seat, almost screamed,

"OhmygodIno!"

Ino rolled over in the laps of the men who had softening her fall, "Er, hey, thanks."

Pein made a surprised face, "Are you okay?"

Ino sat up, excusing herself for violating them by accident.

"I'm fine."

Ino 'eeped' as Tobi lifted her off the couch and sat her on the floor, plopping himself next to her.

Ino snuggled into Tobi's orange sweater and sighed, she was feeling better, but the fact of the matter still remained.

Good boy Tobi.

Bad-ass Tobi.

Her thoughts were interrupted when a strangled yelp came from the smaller couch opposite of Kisame and Sakura.

"Fucker! Watch the hair."

Ino looked over Tobi and saw that Kakuzu was sowing Hidan's head on.

What happened…?" Ino asked.

Hidan's head replied, "I told Tsunade that her boobs were sagging. And she ripped my fucking head off. Literally."

"Shut up kiddies. I'm about to start the movie."

Pein growled and held the remote up.

Sakura and Hidan glared at each other momentarily.

Pein pushed play and Everybody's hair flew back as the surround sound system turned on.

They watched as the movie started.

"_I am the boy who lived!"_

"_Shut up Potter, no one cares…and for heaven sakes, put _that_ away."_

…

"_Voldemort…last time I checked, the scar was on the boy's forehead…not, well…"_

…

"_Harry Potter, 50 points from Gryffindor, nobody wants to see your Willis and Doodle berries."_

"_Aww…you know you want to."_

"_No. And stop doing that ridiculous pelvic movement and put your pants on now."_

…

_Wow Hermione, what big teeth you have."_

…

"_Does any one want to see my—_

"_Harry, Pants, now."_

…

The group stared in horror.

"Pein…I thought you stole Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix…"

Pein looked at the case, " I did!" He read aloud, "Harry Potter and the girls from….Ewe."

Hidan spoke up, "Let's watch Lord of the Rings."

The group murmured in agreement, "Rings rock."

So the got situated again, though still mentally disturbed, but somewhat healthy.

Sort of.

It was enjoyable for the first hour before…

"Where did the remote go…" Pein said to himself.

"Bitch, I bet you took it Sakura!"

"You bet I did, cretin!"

The others in the room sighed, and made their way to their bedroom, Kisame hauling Sakura off, and Kakuzu just pulled the thread from Hidan's neck and watched in victory as it rolled to the floor, cussing.

And life was good.

End of Chapter Five.

Here, my friends, is a 26 page long apology for being so late. You like?

I hope you do, cuz I've thrown in a special somtin' somtin' cuz ya'll are so special.

What's up with the Konoha people?

XXX

Kakashi typed in delight and watched the screen load.

"Yes!" he screamed out, overjoyed.

"Harry Potter Spells Tactic-Tactics Ultimatum # Three Version Two XXXXX comes out on Tuesday!"

XXX

Anko stopped trying to molest Morino Ibiki long enough to say, "Oh. My. God. Hell has frozen over.

Morino Ibiki nodded.

Maito Gai was walking down the street…in normal clothes.

Anko said to herself, "I didn't know he could take it off, I was convinced that he was born with it on."

XXX

Jiraiya looked at the old frog suspiciously as he took a drink of the Elixir of Life.

XXX

"Neji!"

"What? I'm brushing my hair, and then I'm going out to buy shoes, what do you want woman?"

"Don't you talk to me like that young man! You're not going to the movies next Saturday, you hear me!"

Neji ran into his room screaming, "Oh my god, you're such a fun-sucker! I can't believe I'm related to you, no one understands me!"

With that, he slammed the door.

Neji's mom turned back to Tenten, "I'm sorry dear, Neji is busy right now."

Tenten looked at her like she was crazy, "Er, right."

XXX

Shizune walked into her apartment screaming. Blood was everywhere and there was a giant circle with a triangle in it on her floor.

She picked up the note on her bed.

"Dear Fucker,

Couldn't find a fucking virgin girl, so I sacrificed your cat.

Sucks to be you

Jashinluver111one1!!

XXX

Iruka sighed peacefully as he cooked in a sun tan booth.

Pft.

You thought that tan was natural, did you?

XXX

Shikamaru cursed as a bird flew over where he was resting and shit on his head.

XXX

Kiba looked at Shino weirdly, arriving back from their mission.

"Was it really necessary to shove bugs up that guy's ass?"

XXX

"Asuma died?" Kurenai said, her breathing hastened. "How?"

Shikamaru sighed, "He was smoking and lit his beard on fire."

Kurenai gasped, "You mean the man who was on fire at the plaza that I laughed at was Asuma?"

XXX

"What the hell are we doing in a book store on poetry night?" Suigetsu growled to Karin.

The three of them looked at the stage as Sasuke walked on.

" I wrote a poem about my brother."

He cleared his throat.

"Die. Die, Die DIE!"

"The fire of my hatred…and the blade of your death…

"Die. Die. DIEEEEE!"

Karin sighed, "This is gonna be a long night.

People in the audience began to cry and cheer.

XXX

Chouji gasped as he got stuck between the small passage way's walls, suspended by his fat.

XXX

And that, my friends, is the normal stuff that happens while this story is going on.

I hope you liked it and…oh. Most times, The Akatsuki spend their evenings watching movies…Any movie suggestions?

Lotsa Love

The Queen of Ramen

Ramenism

NEXT::

Tsunade moves in with Pein??

Tobi takes his mask off?

The new decorations come in?

Team Hebi gets even closer??

Hidan decides that he really likes skirts and runs into Hinata at the store?

Sai has a sense of style AND a new puppy?

Why the hell is Kakuzu sowing doilies?

Rock Lee gets his eyebrows trimmed??

And Kyuubi decides that Naruto isn't getting enough Vitamin C.

Gaara of the Phunk? Here? In the lair?

The origins of the infamous butt-bow?

The hell? Tobi and Naruto can crunk dance?

And more importantly…

Who exactly is watching over Konoha as Tsunade gets freaky with Pein?

Read about in chapter Six:

Can you spot the homosexual? My gaydar is tingling.


End file.
